Shutting Out The Noise

I always wanted to be a mom and I dreamed of what that would look like when I was a little girl. I used to joke, that even though I didn’t grow up with brothers or around a lot of boys, I would probably end up being a “boy mom”, and that prospect actually sounded like a lot of fun. I signed up for childcare and nursery and teaching Sunday School whenever I could, honed my auntie skills, and thought I was ready when it was my turn at this parenting thing. And honestly, in a lot of the practical ways, I was prepared. But, there is one thing that I really wasn’t prepared for. The noise.

I want to say that I love being a mom to my 4 boys. Yes, they have their crazy and sometimes they drive me over the edge and threaten my sanity, but they are an everyday adventure of unknown destination and I love it! I love their creativity, their astonishing wisdom, their energy, and the way they charge into life with abandon. My boys live life on full blast. And sometimes that is just a little too loud for me.

The sheer volume of 4 rambunctious boys tearing around the house in their latest game of tag, or knights, or singing their favourite songs (all different songs AT THE SAME TIME), or talking over each other about Minecraft or Pokemon, or whatever, all while I’m trying to make dinner (or eat it), or do laundry, or find that elusive last piece of Lego that your son insists he dropped “right at your feet”, can sometimes be enough to make you feel like your head is about to spin clean off! And I have struggled with not being the mom that I always thought I would be.

Several months ago, I saw a Facebook post about how women are often overstimulated and it can be mistaken for anger. I read these words and a light bulb went on for me. I used to feel so guilty because I felt angry so often. At least I thought I was just angry. Little things set me off. Here I was living my dream, practicing gratitude, but I still had these moments where I would just lose “it”. Lose my patience. Lose my temper. Lose my filter. And it was not pretty. When I read that post, something clicked. Maybe it wasn’t just a lack of self discipline or walking in the Spirit – though I definitely have those moments and there is ALWAYS room for daily growth – perhaps there was a contributing physical component that I hadn’t considered.

So, I became my own student for a few days and I realized it was true! Over stimulation is my kryptonite. And with this revelation, I started to identify signs that I was heading to the point of no return and needed to take a moment alone to regroup. I learned that I CRAVE moments of silence throughout the day. I need stillness and solitude. I need to be able to tackle the every day necessary tasks without a constant barrage of noise. That’s when I discovered a game changer. LOOP earplugs. They are a type of ear plug, designed to help deal with over stimulation. I bought 2 kinds – Quiet (which lowers sound by 27 dcbs) and Experience (which is noise filtering and lowers sound by 18 dcbs while still allowing you to hear what’s happening around you or even have a conversation).

Simply having a way to lower the volume has been amazing! And now that I have made the connection between the “noise” and reaching a point of eruption, I am able to see the signs and take preemptive action. It’s still a work in progress, but these newfound Loops have been an amazing way to combat external noise and have begun to help me be a calmer person and a better mom! But what about when the noise is internal? What about when listening to the internal monologue that runs in the background is what drives our responses and our actions, sometimes without us even being conscious of it? What do we do then?

I watched a reel not long ago about a woman who left her house and went about her day, but everywhere she went this person would show up at all the same places and would say the most rude, demeaning, and derogatory things to her. As I listened to her experience, I felt outraged that she was subjected to that kind of verbal abuse and wondered why she didn’t do anything to fight back. When she got to the end of her story, the woman revealed that the “person” who was saying all those awful things to her was her own inner voice, continually tearing her down throughout the day.

Ouch. I can relate. Only, I don’t always actively “hear” the voice, I just act on what it is telling me. Since last year, I have started trying to be more disciplined in my thinking and identify why I am responding to different situations the way that I am. Whose voice am I listening too? Am I hearing the Spirit speak words of life, or am I tuned into the noise – the negative self-talk, demeaning speech, or the enemy’s whisper of defeat?

My word for 2023 is freedom, which I wrote about in my post last month, and one of the things it means to me this year is stepping into what I feel God is calling me to do without letting fear hold me back. A big step I felt called to take this year is to develop my writing and to start working on recording my own story. So, I signed up for some writer’s training and, on top of my blog posts, I have committed to writing every week. No sooner did I make that decision, than an onslaught of self-doubt, insecurity, comparison, and fear came flooding at me. It was so bad that it was almost crippling and started to taint not just my writing, but everything I did and, and I started to second guess that I had even heard God’s prompting to take this step. Why should it matter what I have to say? Will anyone even read it? There are so many people who could do this better. I’m not good enough. I don’t have the time. I can’t. I have too much on my plate. I’m not ready to tell this story. And on, and on. Like a relentless woodpecker hammering into my brain. After several days of this continual struggle, I finally did the one thing that I should have done first; I took it to prayer and shared with a mentor, who also prayed for me. I recognized the negative thoughts for what they were – lies. Noise.

While I was preparing to write this blog entry, I was reminded on three separate occasions of when Peter stepped out of the boat in Matthew 14: 22-33. That got my attention.

Here Peter stands up, steps out of the boat, and walks on water heading towards Jesus. But then, when he saw the wind and the waves – he took His eyes off of Jesus and got distracted by the noise – he was terrified and started to sink. Peter cries out to Jesus, and immediately, Jesus reached out His hand and caught him and together they went back to the boat.

Peter did just what Jesus told him to do. He had the faith to step out of the boat. He even took steps on the water! But then he let his gaze be taken by the storm, the noise that was clamouring for his attention, and he took his eyes off of Jesus. He got distracted from the One who had called him. Peter let the noise take over, forgetting that Jesus would not have called him only to abandon him to the storm. He would not have invited him to step into the waves without sustaining him. He would not have asked him to walk alone. And I know that all too often, I do the same thing Peter did; I give attention to the noise and lose sight of Jesus. And just like I have learned to do with the physical noise, it’s time to make a change and get back up on the waves with the Master.

I feel like I have been in a perpetual state of learning since this new year started. Learning to walk in freedom comes with so many lessons. So many ways to grow, if I commit to stepping out into new things. And whether I am managing a lively, testosterone-filled household, or being a loving wife and mother, or serving in my church and community, or finding the courage to walk into some new challenges, the key to being who God created me to be is shutting out the noise. No, I don’t have a fancy set of ear plugs that I can use to shut out the internal noise, but I know what I can do. I turn my eyes and ears back to Jesus. I strain to listen for the whisper of His voice. I use His Word as a filter to identify the Truth. And then I remember the times that He has brought me through, the times He has carried me when I was weak, the ways that He shows up again and again to comfort and correct and direct. Then I can lean into Trust, hold fast to the Truth, and discipline myself to hear the Master’s voice over the roar of the waves.

I think I’m finally starting to understand what Isaiah 30:15 is talking about. “Only in returning to me and resting in me will you be saved. In quietness and confidence is your strength.”(Isaiah 30:15b NLT)

Quietness, confidence, rest – these can’t always be sourced in the physical sense – but they can always be found in shutting out the noise and re-tuning into Jesus.