Shaking Like A Leaf

It’s been a while since I wrote a post. To say I lost my voice for a while would be accurate. Partly, because I felt like I had nothing to say. Partly because I had too much to say and no idea where to begin. And in many ways I still don’t. I find myself in a strange place. A place that leaves me feeling vulnerable. And shaken. Quite literally. But perhaps I should back up.

The last two months…have been a rollercoaster of emotions, waiting as the court case for one of our foster littles was adjourned again and again. The tension mounting on each court day as we waited to hear the outcome. Waiting, sometimes for days, until someone called us with a verdict, only to be told that the case had been rescheduled. Each time driving us to our knees to pray “Not my will, but Yours”. Surrendering the care of the Little Guy we love to His Loving Father and trusting He will work out what is best for him. Living and loving in the uncertainty that is the foster care system takes a toll. Opening your eyes to little miracles but also to things you can’t unsee, sapping your strength, pushing you to your limits, testing your faith in God and humanity, all while it rakes through the layers of your heart exposing past wounds and traumas even as it carves new painful furrows of its own. The raking found me.

Those ugly emotions and outbursts I mentioned in my last post finally came to a head one afternoon and I realized that they could not be merely blamed on stress, the challenges of living in a pandemic and the constant changing narrative of how to do so, or even raising four energetic boys, including “twin” toddlers without respite. There was bitter fruit there and it was beginning to produce a bigger harvest than I could have ever wanted. Where there is fruit, there is a root and I needed to find it.

So, the digging began. And I found the root. It wasn’t what I expected and it had spread into places I wouldn’t have thought to look. Creeping in on slender threads until firm hold could be taken. Like some kind of parasite that drains the life from its unaware host. Left unchecked for years, they’ve run wild. Discovery led to guilt and shame. You let bitterness creep in. You let it linger in unforgiveness and angry thoughts. You did that. This bitter fruit that has been inflicted on those around you, it is your fault. How could you have let this happen? How could you have let this grow to such a state? The accusations came, wave after wave. Barbs dipped in poison that went deep into my soul. I wanted to crawl into a dark hole to hide in silence and never come out.

But then Truth’s Light shone bright and burned away the lies. Yes, I was wounded, but I am not the pain. It’s not who I am and my decisions and actions do not need to spring out of that well. Yes, I was responsible for causing others pain as I embraced my wounds and bitter thoughts in my ignorance. But, now the veil is lifted. Now I know who I am and Whose I am and condemnation is not my Father’s way. He’s taken my hand and begun to lead me out of the labyrinth of shadows. 

There’s a lot of work ahead of me, but I’ve made a start. Fighting to stay in the Truth. To heal from the trauma at the heart of it all. To rewire and reprogram ways of thinking and perceiving. Some days it feels like I am running, making amazing progress, flying on fresh wings. Other days it feels like crawling up a steep cliff face by the tips of my fingernails, bone weary and soul-crushing. Who knew these roots could run so deep? 

And then a break in the vertical climb, an arbor to rest. Just over two weeks ago, we got the news that a court decision was rendered. Finally! Our Little Guy was made a permanent ward. 20 months of waiting, of back and forth and maybes, the questions finally at an end. And it came 3 days before the anniversary of the loss of our last baby. If it is possible to experience joy and grief simultaneously, that is exactly where I was. Tears of relief and joy mingled and ran with the sorrow of brokenness, the knowledge of another’s loss.  Why must there be such a divide? Why the pain that tears and wounds and leaves broken individuals in its wake? I was so emotionally wrought that I could hardly sleep that night. I am so grateful to have the privilege of continuing to love and raise this little one, but having lost 2 babies of my own before meeting them, I can only imagine the loss for his mama. 

Two nights later, I laid awake in bed, while the muscles in my face began to twitch furiously. It lasted for over an hour. I knew that I was over tired, the previous 6 weeks being far from restful and anxiety robbing many nights of precious sleep. I thought it was a random happening. But over the course of the next few days, it returned and then spread. Muscles all over my body twitching involuntarily at random times. Unsettling to say the least. I drank more water, tried to get more sleep and “stress” less. Then it seemed to get better and for a couple of days, I only had an occasional eyelid twitch. I thought I was in the clear. 

Two nights ago, I got into bed and as I was beginning to relax, something changed. All at once my entire body felt as though it began to “hum”. Every muscle in my body was vibrating, but not so that you could see from the outside. I lay still wondering what was happening and hoping it would go away quickly, but it didn’t. I was exhausted, but I couldn’t relax. I laid awake most of the night.

It’s been 48 hours of constant internal tremors. 48 hours of fighting to keep my mind from going to dark places and panic. 48 hours of wondering what is happening and why. Waiting for blood test results and a Dr followup. Questions constantly bombarding my mind. My body is so tired. I ache everywhere from the constant vibration. But, I fight to stay in peace with my mind fixed on Jesus, because that is where my Hope lies. I am so thankful for my wonderful Life Group ladies and friends and community who’ve surrounded me with prayer and support as I’ve shared my heart and my fears. Thankful for the check-in texts, reminding me that I’m being upheld in prayer. 

Today, I spent a lot of time in prayer. Searching the Word and finding comfort. Today’s verse of the day on the YouVersion app was this and it seems fitting: 

Am I ready to boast in my weakness? I don’t think I’m there yet. But I do want God to use even this for His glory. For Him to shine, even as I question and stumble through this.

I still don’t have the answers I so badly want, but I wonder at the timing of this in light of what has happened over the last few months. As I was searching the web for possible solutions or something that might help my body relax, I came across this:

“In the animal world, animals “shake off” the freeze response caused by a life threat. When animals suffer trauma, it has been documented that they will literally shake it off, which helps the animal discharge the energy of the traumatic event…The term “shaking like a leaf” is commonly used to describe a reaction to a frightening situation. Shaking or trembling, which comes from the limbic brain (the part of the brain that holds emotions), sends a signal that the danger has passed and that the fight-or-flight system can turn off. They are literally finishing the nervous system response to release the traumatic experience from the body.”

https://www.psychologytoday.com/ca/blog/in-the-body/201910/when-trauma-gets-stuck-in-the-body

Researching more, I found that internal tremors can manifest in people struggling with anxiety, depression, or even PTSD. 

Is there a connection? Has the digging and uncovering and high stress combined to produce a physical response? I don’t know. I may never know. For now all I can do is cling to the One Who holds my heart. And whisper in the dark…

"So, hold me Jesus,
Cause I'm shaking like a leaf
You have been King of my glory
Won't you be my Prince of Peace"
~Hold Me Jesus by Rich Mullins