Room For One More

It is said that life is a collection of moments. Moments, that at any point can dramatically change the course of your life. This past week we experienced one of those moments.

“The future has a way of arriving unannounced”

George F. Will

Monday. The day our foster baby’s case was to go before the court again. The suspense of waiting for the email to tell me what was decided was unbearable, so I was cleaning my house and trying to keep busy and distracted. After finishing a task, I went back to check my ohone. Again – as I had been all morning – only to see I had missed a call. I recognized our case worker’s number on the display and my heart skipped a beat. Usually, it is our baby’s case worker that will call or email with any news. Why is she calling? With some trepidation, I dialed her number and heard her answering “Hello”. I braced myself and had in my head where I thought this conversation was going when all of a sudden she asked a question. What?! Um…can we back up? What did you say? She informed me that our first foster baby, who returned home to his mama over a year ago, was coming back into care that day. Would would be willing to take him in?

Boom! I felt like a bomb went off. This was not at all what I was expecting. And on today of all days.

We have kept in touch with our first baby, and had him come for visits or an overnight at least once a month over the past year since he went home. We always said that if there was ever a chance that our little guy needed us or that he had to come back into care, he would have a home with us. But, now the reality was staring at us in the face. Could we really say yes? And yet in that moment, I already knew the answer. So, I called my husband to confirm with him and we were both in agreement. Things were about to get crazy, but we knew this is what we were supposed to do. We said “Yes”. 

Within a few hours, arrangements were made and life for us completely turned upside down. I don’t have words for the jumble of emotions. For the heartbreak. To take a child from his sobbing mama’s arms is one of the hardest things I have ever had to do. I am so thankful that we have had a year and a half to build a relationship with her and been able to lay a foundation of trust, so that she knows that her little boy is somewhere safe and cherished. But that reassurance still rang hollow as I gave her a last hug and then the door clicked shut behind me and I had to walk away with her precious cargo.

And in that moment, I understood a little of what the social workers must go through every day. There’s no way that ever gets easier. And your heart breaks for the men and women left behind with shattered dreams and lives, desperately trying to pick up the pieces. Because you know that, for all the good intentions in the world, for all of the promises and the hopes, some of them will never climb out of the dark hole they are in, never find solid ground beneath their feet and families will be parted forever. So, while we welcome our Little Gift home again and we celebrate our new addition as he should be celebrated, we don’t forget the other side of the story. 

Amidst all of these goings on, we also got word that our current Little Man is staying with us for now and further decisions will be made about his future in a few months. And as we were driving home, the reality of what was ahead of us, began to sink in. We are now a family of 6!!! 

While it felt surreal, and still does if I’m honest (or maybe that’s just the lack of sleep), we weren’t completely unprepared for this. Because for the past few months, my husband and I had both felt that another child was coming. We hadn’t requested a change in our foster license to accommodate more children. We hadn’t requested another placement. But we both felt that God had a plan for something ahead and if that meant He was going to bring another child into our lives, then we would accept the call – no matter what that looked like. In discussing this, we had gone over the logistics of what would need to happen to make life with 4 kids work in our home. So, with all that in mind, we arrived home and phase one of those hypothetical plans went into implementation. 

I have to give a shout out to my husband here. He is AMAZING! In 2 hours, while I fed the babies supper and pitched in with the rearranging, he dismantled the furniture in both the boys’ bedroom and the nursery, swapped them, and reassembled them so that they were ready for beds to be made up in time for bedtime. And then, he had his supper. We managed to get everyone down to bed and asleep by 9:30 pm. Woo hoo! Everyone slept through the first night – incredible, I know – except for me, that is. I was wide awake listening to every breath and sleep cry and restless turning through the baby monitor all night, while trying to wade through the myriad of thoughts that bombarded my brain. Just trying to make sense of it all.

So, here we are. 3 days and 4 nights into this crazy, wild, hard and beautiful journey. It still feels like I’m going to wake up tomorrow and find I’ve been dreaming. It feels overwhelming and exciting and terrifying and amazing all at the same time. My emotions aren’t sure what to make of anything right now, so they’ve kind of frozen me in a state of “suspended animation”. I feel I have entered the “new mom” fog again, though this time at least I don’t have to wake for night feedings. All the household chores have just upped their game and there’s a very active toddler running from room to room getting into things almost constantly. The babies are trying to find their new normal and learning to share attention and toys and a bedroom. Everything is new. Everything is uncertain. But somehow, maybe that’s right for a new year. 

There will be days I know I’m going to wonder if I’m up to the task of being a mom to 4 boys, Heaven knows I thought that a lot over the past few days, but I will cling to knowing that God has a plan. Even though I can’t see it all from where I’m standing now. We have a long road ahead and the possibility of another separation and grief hangs over the horizon. There are broken things that need to heal. There are adjustments to be made. And I know I need to remember to lean hard into my “village” and ask for help when I need it. Even when that is really hard for me. And through it all I choose to trust the One Who called us here. Though I may need reminding on the really hard days.

So, my friends, I will sign off for now. Hopefully, I will be able to keep updating and writing regularly, but if it gets quiet on here for a little while, just know that I’m living life with all my littles and that I will be back when I can.

Happy New Year, All! And may you have courage to step into whatever new opportunities God calls you to. Because even in the dark, there is beauty strewn along the path.