The Call That Changed Everything

When I woke up Monday morning, 12 days ago, I had no idea that my life was about to change completely. I woke up, a little earlier than usual from a rather refreshing sleep and was feeling great. I sat down at my computer to do a little writing while it was still rather quiet. Then the phone rang. It was our CFS foster caseworker on the line. She said “I might have a baby for you.” It was 9 am.

Seven simple words, pregnant with the creative ability to change our future as a family. Since losing two babies to miscarriage in 2016, we had been trying to decide if our family was complete with our two boys or if we should continue trying to add one more child. After much prayer and consideration, the foster/adoption option kept coming to the forefront almost everywhere we turned and we decided to pursue foster to adopt. Over the last year it has been a long and involved process to become licensed, but we received our license as a foster to adopt family just over a month ago and had been anticipating this very call. It still came as a shock. We said “Yes”, knowing that our lives will never be the same again. And the chaos ensued!

By 11 am, we’d found a sitter for our boys and were at the hospital picking up a perfectly beautiful newborn baby boy. On the way home from the hospital, we bought a crib, diapers and formula and then an hour later were assembling the crib in time for hubby to leave for work. He was working evening shift. All week. And just like that, he was off and I was left alone, holding this precious little one and trying to wrap my head around what just happened, before welcoming home my own two boys and introducing them to our newest family member.

When you are applying to become a foster to adopt family, they try to prepare you for what you may encounter. There are classes to attend and questions to answer. But nothing really prepares you for this. 12 days ago our little peanut came home with us and promptly moved right into our hearts. I expected to love whatever child came into our home, but I didn’t expect to fall as head-over-heels as hard as I have. I never expected him to hold my heart in his two tiny hands. I knew it would be hard to love fully – inviting him into my heart and hoping to be his forever home – while knowing that there is a possibility that he may return to his birth family, yet I didn’t fully anticipate the powerful emotions that living within that “tension” brings.

I never anticipated the depth of compassion and empathy that I would feel for his birth mother. To realize that my joy at receiving the gift of this child comes at the expense of having him taken from her arms. Of knowing that regardless of the reasons her baby is in care, or the challenges she needs to overcome, in her chest still beats the heart of a mother bereft of her child.

I also didn’t anticipate the selfish thoughts or fears that try to rear their ugly heads – the ones that put me and what I want first. The ones that I have to lay daily at the foot of the Cross and ask for God’s strength to respond with His heart.

The struggle is real. It’s a careful balancing act. A daily surrendering that I’m coming to understand more clearly. But, we were never meant to walk the road alone. I’m learning what it meant when Jesus said “Take my yoke upon you. Let me teach you, because I am humble and gentle at heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy to bear, and the burden I give you is light.” (Matthew 11:29-30  NLT)  Because even in the midst of the emotions and conflicting thoughts warring inside me, at my center there resides a very real Peace – a knowing that we are walking right where Jesus has called us. It is a process. Daily, sometimes by the minute, I have to deny what I want, in order to say “Not my will, but Yours be done.” It’s a conscious choice I have to make to follow the Holy Spirit’s leading, regardless of personal cost.

But, the beautiful thing about living in the place of brokenness and surrender is that you gain a new perspective. I find I’m starting to see more clearly beyond myself – my desires and my own mama heart. To recognize that the woman whose child I hold in my arms is desperately in need of the enveloping Love of Christ and knowing that we have the opportunity to shower it on her with our prayers, our words, and our actions, even when that is difficult to do. It’s loving our little gift completely – giving up my whole heart knowing that it may be broken in the process. Because, though my heart is now held in two tiny little hands, it is more importantly held in the Hands of the One whose Heart broke with Love for me. The One who gave everything, so that I could be adopted into His family. Living and loving in Him is what He calls us to, isn’t it? Love with abandon. Love that costs us, but is given away as a free gift. Because no matter what the outcome, I trust the One who led us here.

“Live in the moment,” our caseworker said. So, for now I sit, gazing into these bright little eyes. Relishing each smile and the tiny fingers clasped around mine and I thank God for every moment that I get to be his Mama. And as I sit, luxuriating in the cuddly softness that is newborn love, my heart is near bursting and warring inside me. I remind myself that the road we are on is no surprise to God and He gives us what we need for the journey. And while legal terms and birth visits and court dates and tears and joy trip over each other simultaneously, I can rest in the knowledge that He’s got me. Right where I need to be.

“A comfort zone is a beautiful place, but nothing ever grows there.”  – Author Unknown