It’s the end of the day. You survived. Everyone is still alive, they’ve been fed, maybe even bathed (go you!), the house is still standing, you accomplished some tasks today (though you can’t quite remember what they were), and you finally have all the kids in bed – and staying in bed – for the night. You sit down on the couch with sigh, a chocolate bar from your hidden stash and the TV remote in your hand, ready to enjoy a little time to yourself. Only, instead of relaxing, you spend your precious “me time” replaying the list of parental failures and things you could have done better on a never ending loop. Even your favourite show isn’t quite enough to drown out the voices in your head, so you just turn it off. In desperation, all you can do is breathe a desperate “God, help!”. Can anyone else relate? Believe it or not, those 2 little words are some of the most powerful words that could ever come out of your mouth.
Being a parent is unequivocally unlike anything I have ever done before. Nothing else in my life has left me feeling the pressure to “get it right” as much as caring for these tiny humans. It has been hard and scary and beautiful and exciting all rolled into one. And yet, no matter how much time has passed since I became a mother, I still feel like I don’t know what I am doing most of the time. But, there is one thing that I have learned over the years – the only way to be the parent that I want to be and that God has called me to be is to parent from my knees.
Prayer is the most valuable “tool” you can have in your parenting toolbox.
Last month I attended a prayer and worship night for parents hosted by our church. After the isolation and loneliness of the last 2 years, it was so beautiful to join with other parents and enjoy community again, especially since parenting in itself can feel very isolating. I think it can be easy to take prayer for granted or to minimize how important it is and how far-reaching it’s effects. It was wonderful to be reminded that our Heavenly Father is the Ultimate Parent, Who isn’t just interested in our own personal journeys with Him, but also in how we lead and raise the next generation and that He partners with us in this mission.
As part of the evening, my husband and I were invited to share for a couple of minutes on what some of the challenges are in the stage of parenting we are in (we focused on the newborn to grade 5 years) and what are some of the things we pray for in this stage of life. I was super excited about it, and as my husband and I talked, I started jotting down a few notes for us and realized that there was waaaaay more than just a few minutes worth of things to talk about on this topic. So, I decided to share some of those thoughts here with you.
While we will go through thousands of transitions as parents during a life time, I feel like there are 3 basic stages of parenting: Dreaming, Discovery, and Release. Prayer for our children can look different in all these stages as we face different challenges as our children grow.
When a baby is in the womb, we are focused on their development. It starts with checking heartbeats, measurements and growth rates, proper nutrition, due dates, etc. – all very much related to their overall physical health. This is the stage of Dreaming – where we dream about their future, wonder who they will be, what they will look like, what their likes and dislikes will be, and so on. But once that baby comes into the world and the umbilical cord is cut, we discover how much this new life is very much their own little person. That reality may be very different from what we first imagined it would be. Our focus also begins to shift from ourselves, from our hopes and desires, to our child. Our concerns become multi-faceted and it’s not just their physical well-being and development we are focused on anymore, but their emotional, mental, and spiritual growth as well. We have entered the stage of Discovery.
Once they’re born, babies immediately set out to communicate to us what they want and need in the best way they know how. And we as parents and caregivers, dutifully rise to the task of discovering what it is that they need and how best to provide it for them. As they grow, how and what they communicate changes (often dramatically) and we can sometimes be left feeling like we are trying to decode an encrypted message without any clues! Like a random pile of jigsaw puzzle pieces and no box or picture to refer to for help. Sometimes this can leave us frustrated and confused, stuck in a cycle of trial and error, but we continue on this discovery journey because we love our children and ultimately want the best for them.
Years pass, our children grow, and we help to shape who they become and how they view themselves and the world around them. And if we’re doing it right, our relationship evolves as they grow, taking us from nurturers and protectors, to teachers, mentors and guides. Until one day, they are ready to “leave the nest” and take on the world on their own. This is the Release stage. Where we have to trust that all the investments we have made into their lives will result in their success as they head out on their own. Psalm 127:4 says that children are like arrows in a warrior’s hand and we need to aim those arrows carefully, so that when the time to release them comes, they will fly true. If that’s not a tall order, I don’t know what is! Thank God we don’t have to do it alone.
The first 10 or so years of life are what I think of as the foundational stage. Everything that sets the foundation for their lives starts here. Our children are like giant sponges – soaking up and learning from what they see, hear, and experience – and it is so important that we cover this time in their lives with prayer! Their learning journey has begun; Discovering who they are and how they fit into the world, what they are capable of, what the boundaries are (and just how firm those boundaries are), what right and wrong means and how that applies to life, etc. And it’s not just the children that are learning. We are too! In fact sometimes I feel like I am learning more than my children are!
This stage in life can be exhausting and with all the learning and trial and error, there have been times I have felt as if I were stuck in a vicious cycle of the 3 “M”s – messes, mistakes, and misbehaviours. And I’m not just talking about my kids here. If I’m honest, some of the biggest “M”s have been mine! Did you know it’s impossible to help a child “co-regulate” their emotions without first being “regulated” yourself? Yeah. Still learning that one. The temptation to wish these years away can be strong in those very challenging moments – especially in the really early years (toddler tantrums, anyone?). But I think if we can re-frame these years as a gift, a time of deep investment in our children, rather than just trying to survive them, the results later on in their lives will be evident. I have found that prayer is the key to shifting that perspective.
With all this growth and development, and lots of mistakes, there are a myriad of things that we can and should be praying about. For simplicity’s sake, I have tried to break down what we try to pray for into two sections: prayers we pray for ourselves as parents (Part 1) and prayers we pray for our children (Part 2). Because we are to lead by example, let’s start with the prayers we pray for ourselves.
Prayer for wisdom and guidance in raising our kids. I don’t know how many “God, help!” prayers you pray in a day, but I lose count in mine! Eph. 6:4 tells us to raise our children in the discipline and instruction of the Lord. That is why prayer for guidance is so important. I am reminded often that God has entrusted these precious gifts to us and in order to raise them to be the best they can be, we will need His help and His guidance as we make decisions and lead them.
Wisdom. That is something I need in great supply every day! I recently heard a speaker comparing knowledge and wisdom and she said this “Knowledge is knowing that a tomato is a fruit, wisdom is knowing not to put it in a fruit salad.” I love that and I think it relates to parenting so well. There is a TON of information on parenting out there (and often conflicting “expert opinions”). It can be overwhelming and sometimes it’s hard to know what to do or who to listen to! Every voice screaming at you that their technique or tip or philosophy is the “best” way to do things. However, what we are learning is that all the knowledge, no matter how compelling, is not always applicable to our situation.
Praying for God’s wisdom and guidance is letting go of the need to have all of the answers. And sometimes it means listening to the whisper of the Holy Spirit and simply taking a step in the direction He leads us in. We don’t need to see the whole path, but just that first step. It’s a form of surrender – a letting go and acknowledging a dependance on God for His help. It’s asking Him to direct us in the way to go that is right for our family and that will benefit our children the most. And in allowing God to lead and direct me as the parent, I am setting an example for my children and teaching them how to rely on God to direct their steps too.
Prayer for insight into each of our children. Each one of our children is unique and parenting is not a one-size-fits-all deal. Sometimes this is confusing and frustrating, especially if you have multiple children. But we can take comfort in remembering that no one knows them better than the One Who made them. So, in our home we regularly pray for God to give us insight into who our children are and how to best lead and disciple each of them as individuals. We want to recognize that God created each child as unique and connect with and teach them in ways that will be the most effective for that child.
Prayer for our own personal growth. Praying for God to help us in our personal growth means allowing Him access to shine His Light into all the crevices of our lives and to do the pruning work we need to make us healthy and strong. I have always valued investing in my own personal growth and knew it was important to allow the Holy Spirit to continually work in my life, but never so much as when I became a parent. For me this has meant that I am on a journey to learn and grow in my relationship with God. Studying His Word, taking time to internalize what He is saying and meditating on Scripture, and taking time to seek His face in prayer are all a part of this process. It has meant being intentional about growth in all aspects of my life – especially in the “hard stuff”.
Have you ever heard your child say or do something undesirable and realize they were mirroring back to you your own behaviour? Or heard them repeating something that your own parents used to say to you – yep, the very words you swore you would NEVER say to your kids – but have found coming out of your mouth anyways? I can raise a hand here.
The truth is that one of these scenarios has likely happened to all of us. And all the yelling and lecturing we might do does not change the fact that children learn by watching and mimicking those around them. So, expecting our children to behave in a way that is different than what they see us doing is the opposite of how we are called to lead in our homes. As a parent, I cannot “lead from the rear”. I cannot lead my children where I am not willing to go myself. I have to “lead the charge”, so this continual growth is important because I am modelling for them with my own words and actions and leading by example. We often do the same thing – modelling in parenting what was modelled for us. As both a parent and foster parent, I have seen that how we deal with our pasts and our mistakes can have generational impact. For those of us who have not had the kind of upbringing that we want for our own children, or have suffered deep wounds, this means that we need to seek healing for our past trauma. That way we can lead from a place of wholeness and raise our children under the Holy Spirit’s direction instead of responding out of our own past experiences, triggers, or pain.
We are going to make mistakes. That is inevitable. But it’s what we do when we make those mistakes, when we fall short, when we fail, that makes all the difference. I think guilt is one of the worst things that attacks parents on a daily basis. It cripples us and keeps us from using our own failures both to grow and to teach. We need to recognize that God is a redemptive Father. He knows our weaknesses and He has compassion on us. He seeks to draw us to Him. To teach us to lean on Him. He’s just waiting for the invitation. Just think about the lengths He has gone to show us His Love, to bring us close. Recognizing and receiving God’s grace when we mess it up and leaning hard into Him will help us avoid getting stuck in a cycle of guilt and condemnation so we can continue to grow.
As backward as it might sound, I have found that praying for myself has been one of the most productive things I can do for my children. Because when God works in me, the benefits trickle down to them. And just think…the work we do in our own lives and the guidance we heed today has the potential to impact not only our own children, but generations to come!
Stay tuned for Part 2 of Parenting On Our Knees – praying for our children as we aim our “arrows”.
Of Shattered Things 
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