It has been a while. I’ve had to take some time off to get my health in order. And honestly, I’ve still got a long way to go, but I’m making progress. The last few months have been full. Full of crazy fun moments with family and laughter and light and also low points that I haven’t hit in a long time. During the month of August, I retreated for the day to St. Benedict’s Monastery – the second time I have done this and something I think I will begin making an annual (maybe even more frequent) practice. It was a day spent in contemplation, prayer, nature, and creative expression. And it was incredibly rejuvenating and eye opening for me.
As I was walking through the prayer labyrinth in the woods that day, I was struggling with finding peace. My emotions were all over the place, the challenges of the previous few months weighing heavily. With my body reacting to it all and my tremors in full force, in the middle of the path, I just stopped. I got on my knees and I asked God to speak to me. I was feeling so dry, so discouraged, so isolated and anxious, especially about how my body was not handling the stressors on my plate well. I just needed to hear His voice. I needed the revitalizing breath of the Holy Spirit to blow through my soul. I needed to tune out the distractions and tune into God’s voice. I had barely finished speaking and the words “Arise and eat” came to my mind.
As I started walking, the words repeated again several times. “Arise and eat”. Now where had I heard that before? After thinking about it for I while I realized that these were the words the Angel of the LORD spoke to Elijah, when he had fled to the wilderness to escape Jezebel’s death threat in 1 Kings 19. So, what did that mean for me? Curious, I found an oak tree by the river, sat in the shade, and took out my Bible on my phone and looked it up. All I can say is “Wow”!
In case you haven’t read this account, I will give a synopsis. Elijah had just come down from the amazing triumph of Mt. Carmel (1 Kings 18) where he called down fire from heaven to burn up the sacrifice offered (which had been drenched in water), proving to the people that Jehovah was God, and then subsequently destroyed the 450 prophets of Baal. Following that he prayed for rain to come again to a land that hadn’t seen a drop in three and a half years. THEN, as the clouds begin to form over the sea, he came down the mountain and Scripture says that the hand of God came upon Elijah and he outran King Ahab’s chariot all the way to the entrance of Jezreel – a distance of about 17 miles! Pretty momentous happenings, in my opinion. I would think Elijah should be exhilarated!
But turn the page to the next chapter where Queen Jezebel heard that her prophets of Baal were all dead and she vowed to kill Elijah and he ran for his life, left his servant at Beersheba and headed into the wilderness alone. This is where we find him in chapter 19. Sheltering under a broom tree, exhausted, completely depressed, and asking God to take his life because he’s done.
When I read this, my mouth fell open, because he was speaking my language. I could resonate so clearly with where Elijah was. But that was obviously not the end of the story, so I kept reading. Elijah in his exhaustion lay down and fell asleep. Some time later, the Angel of the LORD woke him and told him “Arise and eat”. There, prepared for him is a meal. So, Elijah ate and drank and went back to sleep.
Boom! Right there. Did you catch that? He didn’t chastise Elijah, or berate him for feeling downcast. He didn’t tell him to “buck up” and get over it. No. Instead He ministered to Elijah’s immediate need. Sustenance. Care. Rest. Rejuvenation. He was empty and needed to be filled. He needed the strength to take another step. Once again, the Angel of the LORD woke him and said “Arise and eat, because the journey is too great for you.” And Elijah did, then rose up and traveled 40 days and a distance of about 100 miles on the strength of that food! This story continues so beautifully in the rest of the chapter as God meets with Elijah and takes a man who was depressed, broken, and defeated, and He ministers to his needs, strengthens him, invites him to commune with Him, encourages him that he is not alone, and recommissions him for something new.
As I sat there under the oak tree, shaking my head at how perfect this story was for me in that moment. I realized that I was at a place under the broom tree. I needed rest. I needed rejuvenation. And I felt God’s Spirit saying to me that it was time to be still. “Arise and eat.” To feed my spirit on His Word and rest in Him, but also to make space for my physical body and my mind to rest. To recreate. And that is what I set out to do.
There are moments. Defining moments where you hear and you know God is calling you to something. Something so clear that it is unmistakable. Like Moses with the burning bush. It was something he saw and had to turn aside out of his regular workday to see. It was an encounter with God that he would never forget or be able to deny. It was powerful.
I’ve had these kinds of moments and maybe you have too. These “burning bush” encounters that fuel you with passion and purpose. That set your feet on a new course with a direction that is set and clear. The burning bush moments that we can look back on and say,”There. That’s where I heard God’s voice clearly.” That leave you filled with confidence in your step and a light in your eyes.
But fast-forward a ways into the journey and you might find yourself in the desert like Moses did (Number 12:14-15) saying “I can’t do this. The burden is too heavy. Just kill me now.” Or like Elijah, under a broom tree, exhausted, emotionally spent, discouraged, lonely and giving up. Or like me. Discouraged by the length of the journey, the isolation of this pandemic, the heavy circumstances, the uncertainty and weight of each step. And yet, like He did for Moses and Elijah and like He’s done again for countless others for thousands of years, He met me there. Under the broom tree, I came face to face with the “I AM”. The One Who gives me His strength to go the next step.
Since that day under the oak tree, as I have spent a lot of time meditating on this passage and I’ve come to understand that the broom tree can look different for everyone, but there is a certain degree of desperation that resides there. It doesn’t take a death threat to drive you there. Maybe for you, like it has for me, it just takes the seemingly never-ending blows this pandemic continues to deliver. Or the ongoing navigating of a broken foster care system. Or your son crying himself to sleep almost every night for 2 weeks because he misses his best friend who passed away earlier this year. And you don’t know if what you are doing to comfort him is enough. Or dealing with a dysregulated toddler who is acting out because he just came home from a visit with birth family and doesn’t have the words to express his emotions and your heart breaks. Or your children get into another squabble for the umpteenth time in the day over an inconsequential thing that threatens to drive you batty. Or you and your spouse succumbing to the stress and responding to each other in frustration. Or the isolation triggering traumatic events from your past that you need to wade through. Or your body being so tired that you feel you could fall asleep standing up, but when you lie down at night, there is no shut off for your brain and you roll around restlessly as the nighttime hours slip away.
I wish I could say I’ve travelled a great distance forward, but the truth is, I have circled back to the broom tree many times. The truth is that I let myself get so run down – not taking time to be still, not taking time to care for my body and mental health well – that it is taking a while to rebuild my strength again. But, God has never failed me. Every time, He meets me there, waiting to give me rest and sustenance. Each time I grow a little stronger and each time I walk away, I can travel a little farther. And see new joys and find new hope along the way. Someday, I know I will have learned and rebuilt what I need to leave the wilderness and the broom tree behind and move forward again. To head out into the unknown with that assurance and confidence that I had at the burning bush, when He first spoke the words “Go!”. But for now I am just grateful for the Grace for each new day and each new step I can take, no matter how small.
I used to wonder how Elijah could end up under that broom tree in such a state, but I don’t anymore. I know that the sheer exhaustion of many battles can lead you to that place. And that the trials and slogs through the mud slowly sap your vitality if you don’t stop to replenish your stores. I have also learned that the broom tree is a place for imperfect people. And it’s not a just a place of despair and defeat. It’s one of hope. A place where our desperation takes us to the end of ourselves and only God can provide what we need to move forward. It reminds me that God works through us in our weaknesses and calls us despite them. The broom tree means Grace. And His Grace is sufficient for whatever the journey requires.
May God meet you under your broom tree.
God chooses imperfect vessels, like me, like all of us who have been wounded, who have physical or emotional limitations. Then he prepares us to serve and sends us out with our weakness still in evidence, so that his strength can be made perfect in that weakness (2 Corinthians 12:9).
Christine Caine
Of Shattered Things 