Today is one of the biggest and most celebrated days of the year and as I am approaching Mother’s Day as a foster mom for the first time, my head is a swirl of thoughts and emotions. Joy that this year I get to celebrate with 3 little boys that mean the world to me, a little apprehension, that 1 of those littles may not be here next year, wonder, that this little gift is in my arms, sadness that the mama who birthed him is facing the day without her children.
I used to think that being a foster parent would be impossible for me. I was one who said “Oh, I could never do that. It would hurt too much. It’s not safe for my mama heart.” But now that I am here, I realize just what I would have missed! There is something to be said about keeping our heart guarded – it’s safer, less risk and definitely easier, but when we do no one really wins. Something beautiful inside of us never gets the chance to grow and we end up hurting ourselves and those longing for our love. Even though I have been a foster parent for only a few weeks, I am learning so much. I did not give birth to little gift in my arms, but he is the child of my heart and for as long as I am granted the privilege, I will be his Mama. Whether this is the only Mother’s Day that we share together, or if there are many more in our future, only God knows, but for this day, I can celebrate the gift that I have been given. As I sit and count baby fingers and toes, while watching my 2 rambunctious boys wrestling with each other and laughing hysterically at some joke only they understand, I marvel at the journey that brought me here.
For years, I dreaded this day’s arrival on the calendar each year. It was painful. Exclusive. It left me empty and uninvited into the one group that I so desperately wanted to belong to. A highly anticipated, joyous day of celebration turned to a ashes when my mother passed away when I was 17 years old. The pain was compounded when 2 years later, my grandmother passed away too and just like that, the 2 most important women in my life were gone. the grief eventually began to lessen its sharpness only to encounter a different kind if grief: infertility. The battle with infertility left me empty. My arms aching with nothing to hold and my heart screamed “I want to stand too!” as this celebration Sunday would roll around year after year and mothers in the church congregation were asked to stand and be acknowledged. It got to the point that I hated going anywhere on Mother’s Day; so dark was the grief that covered me that it was painful to see the beaming faces of others enjoying the day.
Then in an instant, all of that changed and I stared incredulously at 2 tiny lines proclaiming that I was finally invited to join the ranks of motherhood. I waited with growing excitement, knowing that I would finally be able to celebrate this day again. My oldest son arrived and Oh how I relished that first Mother’s Day with him. Something blossomed in my heart when I realized that the little person in my arms would call me “Mama”. 2 years passed and another little man was added to our home and my joy knew no bounds! Motherhood – with all of its ups and downs, laughter, tears, highlights and challenges – was finally something I could call my own, even on the hard days.
Then last year, Mother’s Day once again changed for me. I faced it having lost 2 babies within 6 months and my day of celebration turned bittersweet. I faced the day knowing that I never held my angels in my arms. I faced it knowing that my mother and grandmother would be holding them instead of me. But it was the anguish of that moment that brought me to my knees and paved the way for where I am today. It was in the quiet prayer, with my soul poured out that I was asked to open up my heart again. Asked to open my heart to risk more. Asked to open my heart to potentially have it broken. Asked to open it and let love spill out unrestrained so that a little life could know love and affection. I was asked to be a mother to someone who may never call me “Mama”. To give my heart to a child born to another. To be an influence. I said “yes” and here 1 year later, my heart is full to overflowing, overwhelmed at the call and the responsibility; living in each precious moment. And in this I realized how much I missed over the years because I had constrained motherhood to such a narrow definition.
For so many years, I suffered. Feeling left out. Feeling empty. Feeling angry. All because I believed that I was not a mother. I had a huge “mama heart” but no children of my own to share it with. And that is where the problem lies. When we limit the definition of “mother” to an umbilical connection between a woman and her child or the process of giving birth, we miss out on celebrating so many amazing women in our lives. While my feelings were valid and my grief very real, I failed to realize the incredible position of influence I had as a woman. I didn’t realize that to mother, I did not have to bear a child and I think my inability to see this both robbed me of many opportunities I had to make an impact on a life and blinded me to the times that I was a positive influence in building others up.
To mother means to bring up with care and affection, to nourish and protect. To foster means to encourage and promote the development of something, to nurture, cultivate, strengthen, enrich. For me this year, these 2 terms have suddenly converged and I discovered something. When we let these be our definition of “mother”, motherhood becomes a matter of influence, not just one of blood, making space for many strong and capable women who may never “bear” a child of their own, but are out there every day, caring, loving, nourishing, encouraging, cultivating. And in redefining motherhood, we acknowledge the amazing women that surround us. I may not have my mother physically with me, but I can number the women who have stepped into my life and influenced me. I can identify the women who have help to mold me, nourished and cultivated my character, encouraged me and enriched my life and guided me, and continue to do so as I lead my own children.
In a similar way, not only do I have the responsibility to raise and nurture my children, but I also have the responsibility to be a woman of influence in my world. To build up, when others tear down. To strengthen and encourage. To love and accept. To challenge and guide. To invest. To “mother” and to “foster”. This year, as we celebrate Mother’s Day, let’s look at motherhood in a new light and recognize the women that make a difference everyday:
To the young woman dreaming of a future as a mother – follow that dream, but don’t limit what that looks like. Live up to your full potential and seek to influence the lives that you can right where you are – this Mother’s Day we celebrate you on your journey!
To the woman who answers to “Mama” – who wakes up every day, regardless of how much sleep she has had, gives of her time, energy, heart and soul, even when she feels she has nothing left to give, who feeds and clothes and misses out on time for herself so that she can pour into her family, who struggles with feeling as though she is not enough – this Mother’s Day we recognize who you are and all that you do and we are so grateful! We celebrate you!
To the countless women who foster or have adopted or are waiting to bring a child into a forever home – who have opened their hearts and homes to children who are in desperate need of a mother’s love, who have loved and said good-bye, or have yet to hold more than a file and a photograph – this Mother’s Day, we honor you, we champion you and we celebrate you!
To the woman who nurtures, guides and encourages the youth of our nation – giving of herself and time week after week by volunteering faithfully with youth programs, working in child care, teaching academics or life skills, healing and caring for the sick and injured, assisting those with disabilities, supporting those affected by trauma, or those who touch lives in a myriad of other ways every day – this Mother’s Day, we salute you, we value your investment and your care and we celebrate you!
To the woman broken and bereaved, whose arms are empty, whose heart is shattered, whether it be from miscarriage, the loss of a child, infertility, or estrangement, or whatever robs the joy that this day should contain for you – this Mother’s Day, we acknowledge you, we grieve with you, we pray that your heart is comforted and we celebrate you and the love you hold in your Mama heart!
To the woman whose children are in the care of others – the ones who face addictions and challenges and rise each day to fight, striving to get one step closer to being reunited, to the ones who gave their child life and gave them up to give them a better future – this Mother’s Day we recognize your struggle, we encourage you, we pray strength for you and we celebrate you!
To the untold countless other women, who lead and guide, who cultivate and grow, investing their time, energy, and talents to encourage, create, innovate and diversify our world, influencing the people around them for positive change – this Mother’s Day we value your investment and we celebrate you!
Today, let’s take time to honor and celebrate the important women in our lives, whether they adhere to the traditionally accepted definition of “mother” or not. Redefine motherhood. And then let’s take it a step further and be that woman of positive influence in someone else’s life. Happy Mother’s Day to all you amazing women out there! You are more valuable than you know!
Of Shattered Things 