Today marks the passage of 16 years since I said goodbye to my mom – my best friend and confidante – and released her into the waiting arms of the Savior she so dearly loved. It is always a day of reflection for me every year and though time passes, I feel as though I miss her more instead of less, especially since I too am now a mother. The time is fast approaching where I will have had her here less time than she has been gone and yet her influence is still very strongly evident in my life. And this year that fact has hit me harder than previously because I am starting to understand how important what we say and do, what we model, impacts our children. We will leave an indelible imprint in the lives of each of our children – only we can decide what that looks like.
Life is messy. That is simply a fact. We will make mistakes. We will fail. We will fall flat on our faces sometimes. I used to think that this is what my children will remember most about me – my very many failings – but as I sit here thinking about my own mother, that’s not what comes to my mind first about her. Was she perfect? Not by any means and she would have been the first to tell you that. What I do remember is what she did when she failed. She got back up again. And again. And again. I remember the beautiful things about her – her quiet strength, her compassionate heart, her generous nature. I hear her voice in my head every time I wipe the table, “Always twice. Once for crumbs and once for the sticky spots.” I remember her touch every time I play with my sons hair as he falls asleep. I hear her singing along when I sing lullabies to my children. I hear her laughter when I watch one of our favorite movies. In remembering all these things I see the legacy that she left behind for me. It was a legacy of love. One that still touches every part of my life even though she is no longer with me. And it makes me want to be a better person. To live my life in a way that will leave a lasting impression and influence that is positive. Especially, in the lives of my loved ones. How amazing is it to think that I can have that kind of impact on someones life? That you can? On this day of remembrance, I want to take a moment to highlight some of the most important things that my mother taught me.
She left me an example of faith. My mother was a woman of very deep faith. From a very young age I can recall her gently leading me to discover a relationship with Christ for myself. To discover the wonder of communicating with the Creator of the universe in a personal way. She didn’t just talk about it, she modeled it. I can’t count the times I would wake up in the early morning and hear her pacing back and forth in the next room as she poured out her heart in prayer. Those early morning hours were her special time to read the Bible, journal, and pray. Her faith was especially exemplified when she was diagnosed with cancer. I will always remember her taking the time to pray with and encourage a friend who had come to visit her in the hospital, even though they had come to encourage her. I remember her whispering scripture that she had committed to memory, when she grew too weak to hold her Bible and read it herself. She lived as one who had hope, even at the very end. One of the last things she said to me on the day she passed, though she could scarcely talk, was “For me to live is Christ.” The memory of her faith is one of the things that brought me through the very dark days after she passed away. Looking through her Bible this last Christmas, I could see page after page underlined and her prayers crowding the margins. Her greatest desire, penned over and over, was that she would always follow after God with her whole heart and that He would use her to touch the lives of others. That has now become my own prayer.
My mother also left me a legacy of compassion. She felt deeply and had such a big heart. Sometimes I was jealous as I was growing up because it seemed that her heart held so many people and I wanted more space in there to myself. Now I look back and laugh at myself and I am thankful that she taught us compassion. One of my favorite pictures is from our time in Mexico while serving at an orphanage of her sitting with a little orphan boy on her lap – both their faces wreathed in smiles. She loved to bring joy to people and lend a helping hand where it was needed, even if it meant getting a little dirty. She served others, and not grudgingly, but with a joyful heart. She knew what it meant to rejoice with those who rejoice and weep with those who weep and she lived it. She didn’t just offer empty words. People knew she cared. It’s something I won’t forget.
She left me a legacy of creativity. My mother was an artist. She loved beautiful things. She loved to paint and sketch and she encouraged us growing up to be creative. I will always remember the way she could create something out of seemingly useless materials. I inherited her love of painting and I will never forget how moved she was when I surprised her with my first painting as a Christmas present the last Christmas we had together. It was a very special moment that I treasure and think of often when I paint. She taught me to let the gifts that God had given me flow naturally and allow Him to use these gifts to His purpose, no matter what they might be. She taught me to try new things, even when I was nervous about it, though other people might ridicule me. I am so thankful for her support and approval when I write or pick up a brush or invent a new craft or game for my children, or even just try doing a new activity I’ve never tried before.
Billy Graham said “The greatest legacy one can pass on to one’s children and grandchildren is not money or other material things accumulated in one’s life, but rather a legacy of character and faith.” Having had a mother that did so, I have to agree. It’s an immense responsibility, and I feel it’s weight every day, but it is also an incredible opportunity. And so, on this day of remembering, though I miss her terribly, I also look to the future and hope that I will leave a legacy for my children that will be lasting and full of faith, like the one she left for me. I hope that my children will learn form my successes and mistakes. I echo my mother’s prayer, “Lord, may I will follow you with my whole heart and be obedient to your voice every day. Use me to touch the lives of others in a positive way. Let me make an impact.”
I love you mom! And thank you. Until we meet again…
Of Shattered Things 