A new year is upon us! And it is definitely time to get back into the swing of things. It has been almost an entire year since my last blog post and that is something that I do hope to remedy in 2014. I know that a lot of people have been busy writing out their resolutions and planning for the next 12 months, but I always find that the first few days of each new year are a time that I spend more in reflection of the past year. 2013 was full of new experiences, lots of growth, and new challenges, but there is one that really stands out to me.
One of the biggest things that I think has come out of this last year for me is finding a place of contentment. I have always known that I wanted to be a stay at home wife and mother. Yet, somehow, when the circumstances finally put me in this coveted position, I found that I was unhappy, restless, and unsettled. Not all of the time, of course, but it always seemed to be there in the back of my mind. Like an annoying itch that refuses to go away. It was almost unconscious, but left me feeling unfulfilled. I found that I was often comparing myself to others and always seemed to be found wanting. Something just wasn’t the way I had always dreamed it would be, but I couldn’t put my finger on what it was. I’m not saying that there was no joy in my life or that I walked around with a dark cloud hanging perpetually over my head, but it just felt as though something was missing. So began an almost 2 year long journey to discover what it was that missing piece was.
At first I thought that maybe what I was missing was the working world. The more I thought about this, the more it made sense. Working at a job outside the home I had a definitive job description. I knew what I was supposed to do and when it needed to be done. There was a beginning to the work day and an end to the work day. I knew what I could get done and what I needed to work together with others to complete. I had a routine. I was able to use my skills and feel like I was contributing to something bigger than myself. There was a confidence and security in doing what I did. In essence, when I was working, I knew “who” I was. Or so I thought.
So, when I became a mother and was able to stay at home full time, I simply thought that I was just trading one job description for another. In a way, I was, but since my identity now seemed tied to what I did, I had to define who the new me was. I was now a “homemaker”. But what exactly does that mean? And why did it feel like I’d been demoted? Was it possible that I took an easy road out and just couldn’t hack it in the real world? Maybe I was just lazy and wanted to hang around the house rather than do “real” work. For months after my mat leave was over, these questions plagued me. I felt like I simply couldn’t get a handle on what needed to be done around the house. It was always a mess and I couldn’t seem to keep it tidy and the worst part is that I was becoming so overwhelmed that I didn’t even know where to start to fix the problem. Obviously I had been fooling myself to think that I could be successful at this. And since I was apparently such a poor excuse for a homemaker, then I must also be a poor excuse for a human being. What I did or didn’t get done was a direct reflection on who I was. Wasn’t it? I felt like a miserable failure most of the time. Oh, sure there were wonderful days where the laundry got washed, dried, AND folded, sometimes even put away! There were days where dinner was a culinary masterpiece AND my kitchen was even clean and the dishes done after dinner! These were red letter days where I would finally feel like I was a success. But then the next day would be a day that I would forget the load of diapers in the washer overnight and have to wash them a second time. Dinner would be scrambled eggs and toast and the dishes never made it off the counter. I spent the day running after a busy toddler who seemed bent on getting into everything and I yelled all too much. Those were the days that stuck out to me the most. Those were the ones I would dwell on and constantly belittle myself for. But, I managed to put on a happy face when necessary and tell people in as convincing a tone as I could that I was living the dream and things were going great when they would ask. I found myself beginning to withdraw; to avoid talking to people unless absolutely necessary. I would observe and compare myself to other women around me which only served to deepen my resolve that I was not measuring up.
At some point along this journey, through a very strange and God orchestrated series of events, I was invited by a total stranger to attend a moms group that meets in my neighborhood. At first, it was just an excuse to get out of the house once a week and have some adult time where I didn’t have to look at my piling stacks of dirty laundry, toys strewn about, or the dust bunnies playing on the coffee table. It was an escape. I didn’t really know anyone there and in some ways that was a relief. There was no way anyone could know what an absolute failure I was at home, so there was some security in the anonymity. The problem was that, I couldn’t stay anonymous forever, and soon some tentative friendships started forming. Every other week at moms group, we had a Bible study and at one point I was sure that someone had ratted me out to the speaker, because everything she said seemed to speak directly to me. We started studying the Proverbs 31 woman. Yay. The perfect person I want to hear about when I already feel like a schmuck.
At first I was totally put off by starting yet another study extolling the virtues of the “perfect” woman, but this time she was presented a little differently to me. I found as we got into the teaching and began to share our own frustrations and experiences at our tables, that I wasn’t alone in my struggles. There were other women who were struggling with some of the same things! As some of these women became transparent and shared their own stories, I began to realize that I wasn’t the only one who felt like I needed to be Superwoman and I was falling terribly short of the mark. I began to recognize that there were other women whose laundry was piled up from 2 weeks ago and their toddler ate something indistinguishable off of the dining room floor that wasn’t swept for days too!
God began to shine the light of His word into my heart and illuminate what the truth really was. I was not a failure. I was contributing to something bigger than myself and making an impact in my circle of influence. I was doing what I was called to do, but finding no satisfaction in it because I was too busy comparing my life to someone else`s and not seeing what I was accomplishing. I was trying so hard to be Superwoman, who I thought was the embodiment of perfect housekeeper, ever patient and gentle mother, master chef of new and exciting culinary delights, professional pinterest follower, gracious hostess and party thrower, and ever loving and affectionate wife. Oh, and did I mention that she has an inexhaustible store of energy to accomplish all these things? I started realizing my mistake in taking on an identity that was not my own. I am not a job description. I am not what I do. When this reality hit me like a ton of bricks, and believe me, that is what it felt like, I suddenly felt free. I had finally found what was missing! Me.
Somewhere I had come to believe that I was what I did and stopped simply being. I started taking some time to relearn just who that “Me” was. I discovered some new things about myself in the process and uncovered what my giftings are and how they fit into what I do in everyday life. I learned that I am not a housekeeper by nature. I don’t like to clean. That doesn’t make me an inferior person, it just means that it requires more diligence on my part to get it done than someone else who doesn’t mind cleaning. I also discovered that I like to cook, but it is better for me to make a meal plan for the week ahead of time, so that I have a game plan. I am not a master chef , by any means, but I do like to try new recipes and perfect old ones. I discovered that I do not have the gift of hospitality. That doesn’t mean I don’t like to have people over or that I can’t be hospitable, but I don’t thrive on entertaining people in my home like some people do. I discovered that if I loosen up a little and don’t worry about things being messy sometimes, (or most of the time…I do have a toddler remember) I can have a lot more fun with my husband and my son without constantly worrying that my house isn’t immaculate. I discovered that it’s ok to forget a load of laundry in the washer occasionally when you are having a busy week, but that simply putting a timer on to remind myself to put in the dryer really helps avoid that. I found that taking a couple of days to figure out what systems would best help me organize my home was time well spent. I could go on, but this post is already quite long.
And so here I am. At the start of a new year and I am so full of gratitude for the growth that God has worked in my life in 2013. Growth is painful, that I will admit, but so worth it in the end. I feel like I have finally found a place of peace. The niggling feeling of dissatisfaction is gone because I can be content just being me first and doing second. Yes, it means that I will do things differently than my friends, but that is why God made us individuals and not clones. As I am often reminded at moms group, we are here to complete one another, not compete with (or compare ourselves to) one another. One way is not necessarily better than another, just different. It’s what makes us unique and our homes should bear the signature of our own uniqueness. So my prayer for you in 2014 is simply this. Let God take you on a journey. Let Him direct your steps. Discover You. And then BE you, unashamedly.
Of Shattered Things 